viernes, 11 de marzo de 2016

Haunted, once again

Today I feel like crap... as much as I  had not since... well, since I moved out of my mom's house. :/

So much, I've come back to writting on my blog...

And that IS something (since over the last few years I've developed a tendency to write here only when something is bothering me too much)

to make it short, I feel inadequate, insufficient, like a hindrance to everyone around me... unappreciated, and pretty much useless.

this time the feeling does not come from home, nor from my family... but rather, from my job.

I've been working for months with and for my best friend. I've tried setting aside all my prejudices and even my own comfort, to help her out as much as I can.

I've put up with what I consider to be lots of crap from lots of people (customers, co-workers, her boyfriend, my family... and even myself) to try my best to do what she needs done and earn the means I need to have a better life in the process.

But it turns out that my performance has gone from commendable, to good, to acceptable... to not even worth it. All in the span of 4 months.

And just lately I've been told that I'm not even doing one fifth of what anyone in my position is supposed to do, that it causes the co-workers, my friend and her bosses, as well as the customers, to be all upset (which is logical and natural) in such a case, if such allegations are true.

What I wonder is: why did everyone had to keep quiet about it all this time and not let me know when I was not doing things right?

Is it because nobody ever knows how to talk to me?

Is it because they think I'm either stupid or not going to care about what they say?

Have I never inspired in them the confidence -or been open enough to let them even try- to comunicate their discomfort in a way I can understand? (because I'd like to belive they at least tried to tell me something... at least once...)

My friend has been quite lenient with me all this time. And while I feared her leniency would lead to trouble, I did not expect it to be this bad. She has even had to reach the point where she is seriously thinking of firing me, on what seems to be logical and reasonable terms.

But did it have to come to this, when it is quite late (Or maybe too late) to solve it satisfactorially?

But somehow I failed to see, all this time, how unefficient I was and how bad my lack of productivity was affecting others. (Perhaps on the lack of justified reclaims and a fair treatment alongside my peers).

I perceive myself as being productive all the time while I'm at work. I try to follow the rules, procedures, to give quality in everything I do, even before quantity or at the expense of my own time (which also ends up being at the cost of other people's time, apparently)

Hell, I even try to bring order and efficiency to every station at my job. I CARE about things, even if I am not able to solve them by myself, needing and enlisting the aid of others.

I end up very tired after work. Sometimes even exhausted, either emotionally, mentally, physically or all of the above. Which lately has steadily led to the Lois of my enthusiasm and motivation at and for work.

I loose track of time very often. I get saturated with tasks very easily, I find it hard to focus on more than a few things at a time, I tire somewhat easily... and it leads me to do everything slower than required, and to make many mistakes, even to be somewhat clumsy.

I also get mad at myself and very frustrated. While some of my coworkers openly play with their cellphones, with each other and generally avoid work, I try to do things that help, even if it means doing the work they leave undone or badly executed.

And while I have not generated any accidents... I've come to feel that my job is too big for what I can humanly do. It has overcome me greatly.

I pains me to admit it, but I feel I've reached my limit. (And I hate to even think that) And it also generates a lot of tension, stress and frustration on me.

I loose track of priorities, I get things and processes scrambled in my head if I get to be distracted by a question or comment, and even my own thoughts within my very busy mind distract me.

Younger people than me, at work, have surpassed me long ago. And I do not blame nor resent them for it, I assume it is a natural thing to happen. But it turns out that I am the one lagging behind... everyone else.

Even despite my best intentions and efforts.

Which leads me to try one more, desperate way out: get professional help...

and see what it can do for me, if anything at all.

So I may give up even more than I already have, of my time and resources, as well as my comfort, to seek that last resort: a doctor and a therapist. To see if improving my physical, emotional and mental condition helps in any way to solve that problem that affects not only me, but those I work with. (of which, sadly... I only appreciate a very select few... and most of all, my friend)

I could promise to give everyone what they want, to fulfill their every expectation about me...

But I do not like making empty promises. I've done my best, and I do not know if I can even give the company any more without truly damaging myself in the process, nor I truly believe any job is worth it from anyone.

Maybe it's just me who thinks giving too much is wrong. Or maybe, just maybe, I hope I am only being childish, selfish, uncaring and lazy, as everyone assumes I am.

I truly hope that is the case, because then it has a simple, if difficult solution... it would mean I can and must give more of myself even to the point of surpassing every expectation I am failing to meet...

because, otherwise, it would mean I am in the middle of a very sick and twisted situation. And I would not like my friend to be immersed in it, should that be the case, because I love her and care for her... in my own, weird way.

So, here I have poured most of what's been bothering me lately... I hope it is enough to at least let me sleep the 5 to 6 hours I can today before my shift begins... and lets me be focused and energetic enough to do what is expected of me the way I am expected to do so.

Although I know it can all go to hell anyway, despite me giving it my very best... it's not like it has not happened before anyway. :/

I'd like to believe I can do it... but the fact is, I do not know for sure. All I know is I can give it my best, and keep on trying as far as I am allowed to. And that is all I can promise without fail.