Caught between worlds

I've never been so fully aware of this fact as I am now (or at least that0s what I think).

After watching the movie: AVATAR, I've felt, once again, as if I could belong somewhere else... in a world that could gently provide for the taking, where everyone could get their share without having to take it from someone else, a world where people could really feel that deep respect everything and everyone should deserve if we all could feel for real how deeply connected we all are to everything.

The World in AVATAR was a world with lots of acceptance (without falling into mediocrecy), there was also fear, but to sucha n atural and little extent it did not dominate people's lives. Life was a true celebnration with a profound meaning, not like those stupid pasties some people throw just because they don't like to see where they are standing.

I know the world we live in nowadays is a mess, even though I do not know the full extent of that mess. It is very uncomfortable, frustrating and despairing to see that every chance, every opportunity of adapting to life in the modern world and surviving in any decent manner is too costly compared to what it should be, and it is also sad to see it is not changing for better, no matter how much one person may try to do so.

The media, the government, the religious methods to enslave and stupidify people... the way the thruth is concealed from the public eye and sealed away in oblivion... consumism, indiference, procrastination, ignorance and fear are the legacy of the recent times, leading everyone to destruction, not just of themselves as rational beings, but the destruction of their environment as well, just because people don't care anymore about anything dying... they don't feel pain anymore, nor sadness, to see something dissapear, perhaps because they've had so many losses already, one more doesn't make such a difference in them.

I wonder how it would change us as human beings, if we were able to feel so closely the world arpund us, just by making a physical contact that would lead us to share our minds with other creatures, be they plants or animals... just like the people of PANDORA... would it be easier to understand how we are part of everything around us and vice-versa?, Would we rerally begin being grateful for everything we touch, see, smell, taste, hear and feel?, would we be then more respectful and try harder to look for a place for us within nature?.

I'm not against faith in itself, nor against God or any name you wanna give it to that vast and unmeasurable force out there, surrounding us, providing us all the time. And like many say, IT IS ALL AROUND US, ALL THE TIME.

If we could just leave aside all the fear, the grudge, the negativity we have inherited and been taught to carry into ourselves, what would be of us?... would we be the ones to pursue our goals and archieve them?... and what if we would not be trapped in corporative loyalties and moral obligations into groups that divide us, such as competition between schools, jobs, neighbors and the like?... what if everyone would get respect for their hard work earned archievements and their abilities rather than by just their looks, family and metarial resources???

I see a world I live in, and it is dark at night and hopeless during the day... it is not a world of peace and gratefulness, but one of grief, fear and despair. And then I wonder if even my own liffe would be different in a world without this much technology, where people could get and make what they needed from nature, instead of having to get a crappy job under an annoying boss and having to depend on what everyopne has to say about the way they lead their lives to feel at peace with themselves.

And then I go back to the great issue of approval, once again. Why do we grow up feeling we have to please everyone around us to be happy?... what makes us think we are not good enoiugh if we cannot keep people satisfied with the way we behave or do things?... why do we always have to sell apour dignity and peace of mind for the means to survive or get whqat we need? (not even to mention what we want).

I am so fed up and disgusted with the way some people take a really unfair advantage of other's people's needs, or the way some companies make ever-present to their workers that they are soooo easily replaceable, like their work wouldn't be worth anything anyway, and they're beiong sooo generous just by paying it for such a low price.

I don't think a world that lives in misery is a happy or pleasant place to live in, neither a world in which evrything you do has a price you have to pay so that when you have time to do what you want or desire, you have no resources... or whenever you have the needed resources for that, you just don't have the time anymore because you're too sold out to whatever job is giving you the needed money.

Sometimes I even wish I had people to back me up to any extent just out of love, without having to criticize me all the time about what I do or tje way I do it, or even without having tem tell me how to do everything. but I also know that most of the time they only intend to make things easier for me by guiding my steps.

Sometimes I wish i knew what is it I really am designed to do, what carreer to choose, what job to take and marry for the future, etc...

And it is not like I have not decided a course in my life for that... it's just that sometimes, whan I face a setting like that of this movie... I wonder if my choices were not based only on what I came to believe I could choose based on how I came to think the world works out there.

Sometimes I wish I had a clearer idea of how best to name what my passion in life is, and finding the right course to develop it and make a living from it, but I guess many people out there would say that is a fact reserved only to those lucky enough to be so self-aware from the beginning and to be born in a family or an anvieronment that would provide them easily and gladly.

Being and feeling alone doesn't really scare me or make me all that unconfortable, in terms of having for a certain fact only my own support to archieve my goals, but it makes it quite a dissadvantageous situation to see how some people are blessed with so much more support from the begining, thus making it uncomfortable to be so much far away from goals such as big as financial independancy from the family, being it a fact so natural to adulthood.

And it's also so sad to have learned to avoid trusting people... and it's even sadder to see that happening to the one you love.

I even wish to be supportive of my beloved one... and once again, I feel so unhelpful in my current state. I see people around me every day that, despite fear or uncomfortableness, go on and study their careers and get some not-so-bad jobs that let them live well enough as to not starve or lack a roof over their heads and live resigned to that. And even some of them get better lifestyles.

And there I am, longing for somethign way beyond that: a lifestyle in which I can feel satisfied with what I do, happy for doing it and anjoying every day of it.

And I also know very welll that happiness doesn't last forever and life isn't pink-colored all the time. But I do dream of a life I enjoy every day without loving mediocrecy. I know I deserve something different, something more, and that I can somehow aim to get it... I just haven't really figured out how XD.

I wish I would just skip all my fears and make a go for it, for averything I've ever wanted... and then see what happens. But I've learned to be so afraid of failure, of not being able to reapair all the damage done by it to so many people, I've not yet done any of it, beyond choosing a man and hoping he may choose me as well...

Maybe that is the only thing I've started running out of fear for... but I sincerely hope not the only one.