But I am quite certain I have been chasing a dream... A dream so vivid, so... Binding. It is not a restrictive dream, it does not tie me anywhere, rather, it anchors me to a feeling, one so deep it kept me awake searching through the reflections of my subconscious.
It has honestly -and really- been a while since I had such a lucid dream.
I still wonder, in my waking hours and in all lucidity, why did it have Pattinson's vampiric face, with those hauntingly bright eyes in a mix of copper and ember-esque glow that was so ardent, so filled with desire in its different aspects and meanings, and so fervently filled with devotion.
I have felt my own desire wane, as if my inner moon had gone dark, waiting to shine again once it wakes... (As if it would do so ever again)
I have been living under the sky, keeping my feet closer to the Earth, passing time in my little cell, letting it pass around me, waiting life out... Waiting for that inkling of a spark that signals the chance I've been awaiting for.
The chance to burn brightly, to sing my life out in a blaze so ardent, so beautiful, that if it goes out, if it ends... It would not matter, because the memory and the feeling of its light and brightness would remain instead.
In my dream, that haunting face and gaze, that voice , keeping my attention on him ... On that stranger I thought to be mine, the one I've forever chased in so many places, eyes, scents and tones...
That elusive dream...
In the dream I chase after the lust I've lost, the spark that does not ignite anymore. The one I know I can find somewhere, not where I am, but rather closer to where I burn to be...
So different from where I am more likely to be supposed to be.
In the dream I am aware of the one sleeping beside me, of how I've closed myself to the love I've been given, to the desire of a shared life, a shared home...
I know why I closed my heart. I know why I shut my faith. I know.
And still, I know: the brighter path, the life under the sun, the Earth I have built for so long, is there. My every morning under the sky and among the clouds is there.
And I desperately cling to the faith I am supposed to give, I try so hard to open myself up again, to trust the future I am yet to see... I go and fulfill the role of pleaser, of enabler, trying to find my place like this... To find the role I am supposed to play in all of this...
And I hear His voice, as He caresses my short and curly, unruly hair so lovingly, as if he pities me.
-You have to Make sense of your life, to give it meaning. You have to Build a life of your own.
And I childishly and stubbornly present him with a cute shaking of my head, pleading, that I don't want to do that, not anymore.
I seek refuge in his arms, burying my face and head in his chest, running away from the intensity in his gaze that can always see so clearly through me.
I just want to have that ardent pyre within me again, to ignite it once more. To have my bond to love be complete, and not split as I know it is now.
I strive so hard to find my spark ignited once again, to enjoy that role so much, that I once again enable myself to explode into a million stars inside, alongside him, as I used to do so many times before...
-You have to let go- he says as I struggle. And I am aware of his faith, blind and lazy, irresponsible even, as I tend to see it, in this "letting go" of all effort, of all personal intent and quest, of how capable he is of surrendering himself to a being he does not even know or comprehend... Who does not even move a finger for him really, nor for any of us... But for a purpose we cannot even fathom. It is not a being I consider evil, but by no means focused on us, on ANY of us. We are just not that important, really.
As I doubt this decision of his to abandon the realization of his will, I wonder if he realizes that his "guiding hand" did know that at the same time he was asking people to be holy, they were being just humans, following their nature. Binding in the ways of flesh... And I laugh at that irony inside.
I am aware of his explosion, of his release and the calm, loving, collected and full of wisdom way in which his face and voice reflects how he looks at me.
-Listen, and see. This is my Mausoleum.- says His voice.
And there I am absolutely aware of who He is. But not of who I know him as.
I still question my mind about it. Why Pattinson, of all people?
And I know, after a few hours of being awake.
Well, basically, because I had given up, in all honesty.
I had really thought love was lame (as Pattinson's acting roles, honestly). A silly dream for those who really did not know any better.
It was, after all, a Mausoleum. A solemn place to be dead at.
Not a Covenant, a contract or a solid promise, not a worthy way into life or a living. A solemn place for the dead.
And I realized I have been biding my time, waiting to die. So disenchanted with how unable I've been to build a life for myself in any way.
So disillusioned with how I've been denied my every idea, dream and project since I was old enough to choose my way in life...
- School is not for you, you are lazy undisciplined and untrustworthy. You are not worth (nor deserve) anyone investing on you.
- Forget about University, you'll never make enough to pay for it.
"And if you do, you'll never have the energy and time needed to go through it"
-Forget about a professional career. Who do you think you are? No one will care about your worth or your work, but rather, how much they can exploit you.
-Do not even dream of building something on your own. Who do you think will buy into that crap? Everyone is busier building their own lives, surviving through their day... You're just not even worth their time.
"I am alone, dispossesed and definitely defeated before I even start". Crushed, under the sole of a boot too large for me to even fathom.
"No one will help you." Nobody should not want to. They have their own battles to fight. No one will hold my hand as I traverse through the night into the light.
So disenchanted, so Disappointed I was, that I wanted to kill myself.
I had not gone through the phisical pain of it, I did not stab my heart.
It could have been really painful and messy, even ugly, but also quick.
I had chosen to remain, chasing after the chimera of finding meaning through another. Clinging to a life together.
Silly me.
There is no such thing.
I burned myself out, time and again, trying so hard to prove I was worth it, that I was a good option...
Stupid little me.
I have nothing to prove, no one to surrender to. No one to convince or to get approval from.
Perhaps I became sick because I was trying to get permission to live a life.
No one has to do that for me.
I do not have to live a life I do not want. I get to choose the prices I pay and what I like.
I get to choose my timing, and I don not get to want anything from anyone. I don't need it. It slows me down.
It just distracts me from my path. I owe nothing to no one.
I take what is given and give what I choose.
I am not bound. And do not deserve to be. I AM FREE.
I had released myself from the illusion of matter, and entered the unknown.
I slowly unravel myself from the bonds that I had placed upon me as heavy anchors and chains, waiting to kill me someday.
I have contained myself, waiting for the time, the place, the one, that I can be myself with. No more.
I found me, embraced me, and took me by the hand to walk under my moonlight.
I do need to make a life of my own, and to give myself a reason to do so: my own happiness and comfort.
A life for me, with me.
And if anyone wants to share in it, cool. If not, I don't give a damn. I don't need anyone else for that, really.
I am actually, quite at peace on my own.
My enclosure has been both my punishment for believing in others and putting my faith in them, as much as it has been my slow death and saving grace.
I hid from a world that did not want me, and I emerge to myself, in a loving embrace.
It's time to let go. To let everyone go their own way.
And to go on my own.
