It is sink or swim, even if it does not feel like it

 It dissapoints me (and also saddens me to some extent) to write here mostly when Iam under some measure of discomfort or distress.

Today it has been another one of those times.

Another day, another rant. But no definite solution.

Another instance on which I feel I am only truly measured by the extent of things I handle and take care of, regardless of who may have caused them, just the way She expects, when She expects it, how She expects it... and all as if I had the obligation to read HER mind.

I am not an extension of her by any means, and neither am I her underling or under her ANY command. She demands and expects blind obedience. As if I did not have a mind of my own (faulty or not).

NO.

She causes her shortcomings, SHE deals with them. I tire of being too god for what she earns me to be towards her. And on top of it she thinks she is qualified to disqualify my every kind action towards others...

NO.

I may not deny thruth in the words of others, that does not compel or bind me in any way to do their bidding just because they waive those words around to blackmail me into their command. Not hers, not anyone's.

It really does not help the cornered position I am in -which greatly reduces my patience-, nor does it steel my resolve strongly enough to try another round of self-sacrifice to attempt to finally break free and never return here.

I have come to doubt myself once again, this time due to a reduced health. It seems all I have really achieved by working myself to the extent I have, is to undermine my health. And now I wonder hoe much more can I take before I seriously (and God forbids it, unreparably) break down myself.

I am waiting, -in the dangerous game of waiting- for the right chance, the richt way, the right moment... I know I am tretching my chances thin (thinner than they already are) by betting on the skillset I have so far collected (which apparently is not unique in any remarkable way, nor overly useful to anyone, along with my personal set of morals and work ethics).

I have bought for myself the idea of not compromising my morals for a workplace's apparent needs or demands. And I have dearly paid the consequences of it, but do not regret my decision for a moment.

Unrepentant as I am, I am still looking for a way out.

I know the chances and ptions for it are narrow, but I have to find the answer, somewhere, somehow.

I recently witnessed someone I know in a similar position, and wondered -in my judgemental view of him, of his responses and of his arguments on his particular situation and the events that led to it, if I was being too righteous on my judgement, if I was clouded because of my personal dislike for him, thinking of him as whiny and placing himself as the victim of outter circumstances, and not of his own actions and their natural consequences...

I know I am, to some degree, leagues away from the kind of person he is. But She judges me as if I was the same or worse, and has done so for a very long time. So long, I believed it for years to be true, and strived to become quite different from it.

I also wondered if this, more individualistic kind of person I learned to be, inspired by the counsel and encouraging words from my Cloud over the years we have been together, is also the right choice of who am I to be.

I do feel righteous on that path, that is for sure, limiting what I chose to give out to people based on the merit I consider them to have earned, rather then the one they rantingly demand of me. It for sure risks future cooperation from those I have limited, but it also sets a precedent tnot to mess with me, or I withdraw my aid irrevocably.

The mercilessness my anger and hatred have instilled in me are also there. And I amd not inclined to abandon it. I may tire of my anger and my hatred, but mercilessness has also been a powerful shield for me, to protect myself from the outside, fro the people and the situations and feelings I have not yet learned to manage properly.

It is all those things I have yet to master the managing of, which have inspired my strong desire to be away from people, from most people at least... and most of the time.

I have noticed I have been looking for support on my way of thinking and on my views, as I have started to cast my own doubts on them. It may all be just a phase of my most recent period of personal growth, and not so much of a symptom of being too isolated for too long, nor of having a mindset that does not allow for objectivity in it at all.

I know I am a warrior,  I know I throw myself at things head on, even stubbornly in a direct way. But I do not regret it.

I can learn to be more amiable abut things, to handle them with a bit more care andperhaps a measure of delicacy. To hol my tongue when it is not needed and where it is not requested.

I need to learn to let go of analyzing the issues of others and to instead dedicate myself to work on my own.

At the very least, I eed to get myself out of this hole, to abandon my prideful attatchment to this cell of a small space I had claimed over a childish notion of property, and to fly away, even if I do so into the sun... but to fly and never return.

Years of experience have taught me (and I hope sufficiently so) that this environment is rotten and is rotting me inside, and that even if I am to perish in the way, at least it would be under my own terms.

LGR2

Lacking, or in the process of Aquisition.

It has been a while since I last made a post on a reflection over a topic like this one, but here I go:

I was present on a sale process, more accurately, its conclusion. A small vehicle was sold, and as it was a peer to peer transaction, it happened very differently than I had imagined it should.

Once the buyer reached the agreed destination -along with the companions that came to support him- he immediately continued his previous trend (which started over the phone before the meeting) to try and lower the price even more than what he had already achieved it to become.

Then there was an inspection on the vehicle, as it hoping to find more reasons to lower the price further, more than making sure it had the quality announced in the online sales post.

In the end, the vehicle was successfully sold, even if a little under the lowest selling price the seller tried to keep for most of the selling process.

What ended up happening, for me, was a deeper disgust for the buyer, the more he insisted on lowering further a price that had already been accepted to be lowered from the initial sales price.

I understand there is a certaing room to negotiate the price on an swcond-hand item, depending on its state, but I cannot shale the feeling that constantly attempting to lower a price under an already lowered offer, with arguments on the expenses the buyer would have to go to acquire the object or what they would need to invest on it, after the purchase, to be both irrelevant, annoying and very disrespectful, almost to the point of being insulting.

Maybe it is the fact that I loathe needless insistance on a very clear "No" kind of statement. Perhaps I consider it deeply unfair to try and go over the already established limits of something, just to get your way.

And there is the distinct possibility that I have just grown up in a confrontational dynamic and environment, under the influence of someone driven by control, rules and thinking only of how things "should" be VS how they really are. A somewhat "my may or the highway" kind of atmosphere.

And so I have come to realize I share that confrontational approach to most strangers under conditions that violate what I seem acceptable.

Another example is my tendency to curse people in a low voice, any time I find my path blocked, an unexpected person or vehicle crossing my path, someone too close for comfort, walking slower than me when going towards the same place, street vendors, door to door ones, tele marketing calls/messages, etc...

It may be a consequence of myself throwing myself inside my room and locking me inside for hours, even days... To try and lower the accumulated discomfort of a perticularly rough day.

Or maybe I am just as intolerant, prejudiced and biggoty as the people I used to criticize when I was a teen, or even worse.

And more importantly than that, I wonder how to reduce the commonly high levels of anger and annoyance I can get to, by interacting with others.

It does not happen all the time, nor with everyone, but I can think it is fairly common to have my patience reduced over conversations with others.

For example, I was one day talking to someone about their family matters and concerns. And beyond the obvious pain and grief of their family member, what I could see clearly was a childish attempt at manipulation and emotional blackmail (to name it in some way) towards the concerned person.

Maybe it is because of my inability to understand such grief, or how it may be more important than what the concerned person had already plans to do (the concerned person was telling me why I had suddenly been cancelled on our appointment, you can all imagine how thrilled I was to hear it was over family drama that the other siblings may have been able to solve instead...).

The family member in grief already has a routinely amount of allocated time from who cancelled on me. And I though and felt it unfair for them to board more over whatever else the concerned person wanted to do.

Maybe it was the result of many years of advice on how unfair it is to me to be cancelled upon for things like those, needlessly prioritized over my timeand over the word/commitment on the appointment.

And worse of all, I have come to see may things as emotional blackmail, as people are needlessly attempting to have others give them more time, attention and care, or have them take over their own responsibilities... And I am so sick of it, as if I somehow took it personal in some way...

Maybe I have just learned to see the world in shades of an "every man for himself" expectation.

And I want to start healing from that and turn myself to a more hopeful view, but not as overly naive as I once had. I just don't wanna be so angry nor so often.

Mewshie

Reflexiones sobre Redes Sociales.

Tiene ya algún tiempo que vi en internet un contenido que indicaba que la mayoría de los "tweets" y sus comentarios eran de "hate", argumentando que el anonimato del internet crea una atmósfera en la cual las personas se sienten más seguras de poder expresar opiniones negativas, críticas y argumentos de odio.

Tiene poco tiempo desde que, a raíz de ponerle un poco de atención a las notificaciones del celular, he explorado algunas cadenas de "tweets" y opiniones de personas que al inicio y en apariencia (según sus perfiles), me parecieron interesantes. Sin embargo, quizás a causa del día Internacional de la Mujer y de la polémica que se desata con ello acerca de la victimización de la mujer en el país, he visto llover el "hate" en redes sociales (FB y Twitter, en su mayoría).

Incluso, al establecer una crítica sobre un contenido, me ví a mi misma, durante la edición de mi comentario, expresarme de una forma más agresiva de lo necesario. Noté que el hartazgo acerca de la existencia de contenido antagónico con respuestas aún más antagónicas, me había afectado y me encontraba molesta ante todo ello.

Decidí hacer de mi comentario algo mucho más decente de lo que había tecleado inicialmente. Le persona que lo publicaba era inocente de mi molestia y además, conocida de mi Nube. La chica, de buena fe, invitaba a analizar un contenido que, lamentablemente, era por demás polarizado. Me limité, entonces, a exponer la polarización del contenido y a ampliar la invitación al análisis del mismo, estableciendo un par de conceptos que no se mencionaban en el mismo, pero que eran necesarios para extender y profundizar en su análisis. 

La respuesta de la chica me sorprendió por su amabilidad, la cual logró me apenada aún más de mi intento inicial de respuesta.

En Twitter, en cambio, un comentario mío acerca de la importancia de dar un significado positivo al día internacional de la mujer, agradeciendo las felicitaciones y los buenos deseos que se emitieran por tal ocasión, en lugar de solo reforzar la importancia de la fecha en base al daño histórico realizado en contra de -y sufrido por- las mujeres. Si bien el comentario recibió varias reacciones positivas en forma de "likes", la respuesta de la autora del tweet no se hizo esperar mucho, claramente en contra y cuestionando el origen de mi comentario.

Me animé escribir un post en FB declarando mi opinión y explicando la misma, acerca de las marchas en el país que se han dado en los últimos años, con motivo de tal día, al que afortunadamente recibí reacciones positivas de parte de personas que considero tienen, en muchos temas, un criterio y juicio objetivos, además de gustar de hacer análisis y de fundamentar y establecer sus argumentos, nutriendo el diálogo.

En las redes sociales, más allá de la fecha en cuestión, ante la repetida presencia de críticas, cuestionamientos y reprobaciones de muchos comentarios respecto a diversos temas en los que no concuerdo, ya sea de forma o en esencia, en el todo o en sus partes, me ha sido muy notorio encontrar esa expresión común, desesperada y llena de hartazgo, de desaprobación y de la superioridad de la opinión propia, por encima de los argumentos, de los hechos y pruebas. Ese divisionismo que, en lugar de ser inclusivo, separa y confronta a las partes en una lucha por tener la razón o la última palabra,

Ahí es donde extraño la frase "concordemos en que no estamos de acuerdo". Si bien no se trata siempre de convencer a la otra parte de que se tiene la razón, sí se trata de respetar la decisión y la capacidad de tener una opinión distinta a la propia, de tratar de engender cuál es el punto de vista del otro y de dónde proviene, de aceptar que el otro tiene su propio camino a la verdad y que no siempre se ha de coincidir con otros.

Y si, la abundancia y la constancia de opiniones y reclamos por opinar distinto es agotador, tanto para la paciencia como para el ánimo, pero es posible dar un paso de vez en cuando hacia la objetividad y el respeto.

Si bien hay mucho contenido cargado de negatividad, las expresiones de apoyo y de argumentos positivos también ayudan a generar esa sensación de saberse comprendido, de que la opinión propia no es fruto de un concepto aislado o que carezca de cierto realismo.

Así que no todo es malo, ni bueno. Ni eterno. A veces cíclico, sí, o aparentemente abrumador, pero todo pasa. Y depende de uno con qué elige quedarse, al final del día, para recordar o para dar continuidad en el pensamiento, o en la acción.

Si algo me queda claro, es que mientras se carece de madurez, ya sea porque no se haya adquirido o porque se pierda, el diálogo se vuelve cada vez más violento y corto de argumentos. Que sí existe el sesgo informativo y de experiencia (y que siempre ha existido, aunque sea mucho más reciente la dimensión que alcanza y tiene ahora). Y que a pesar de todo esto, sigue habiendo gente -aún entre los internautas- que tiene la intención de traer al menos un poquito de objetividad y pensamiento crítico a cualquier tema.

Nuevamente, gracias por leer.

LGR2.

New adventures

Ya ha pasado mucho tiempo (de nuevo), y una de las cosas que quiero compartir aquí es mi "reciente" descubrimiento por mi muy largo gusto por lo que ahora llamamos "Isekai".

Si, es un subgénero de la fantasía (generalmente literaria y luego adaptada a otros medios audiovisuales) y es tan ien un cierto rango de historias, que tienen en común el cambio de un mundo conocido o de origen, a algún otro mundo diferente (generalmente con más amenazas, poderes mágicos y sobrehumanos, etc...) En el que los protagonistas obtienen una nueva oportunidad de hacer sus vidas de manera distinta.

Ya sea que lleguen al nuevo mundo por error, por azar, por secuestro sobrenatural o reencarnados, la idea del "what if" (y si...?) Es lo que me.oarece que hace mucho más atrayente a este tipo de historias.

Yo me enamoré desde niña de mundos como el de Krull, de lugares como Eternia, de héroes como Thundarr, villanos como Jareth (el rey de los goblins), personajes como Inuyasha (y Sesshomaru... <3) entre muchos otros...

Y el contar con una multitud reciente de historias que incluso mezclan elementos de juegos tipo RPG en sus arcos argumentales, me ha encantado.

Llevo ya muchos años dándole forma a un proyecto literario que nació de un montón de ideas, aparentemente inconexas, que fueron poco a poco tomando la forma de una historia épica y que muy probablemente me tome algunos libros en contar por completo, al menos desde la travesía de quién la cuente según su propio testimonio...

Siempre me ha intrigado la posibilidad, ese "y si...?" Que proponen tales historias, al visitar mundos, la capacidad de crear una historia allí, distinta a la que tengo en esta vida, con capacidades diferentes y con circunstancias distintas... Como ocurre a veces en mis sueños loquillos...

Y por el gusto de explorar esos nuevos mundos e historias, es que he escrito esto hoy.

Nos leemos más tarde.

Feli.