Today I had one of those moments in which I just feel down.
I had a somewhat frustrating day at work and was missing a bit of sleep, so my batteries were low.
At some point I started chatting with a friend about the last few days/weeks in my life.
Reflecting on it, I felt utterly pathetic.
specially on the love department.
Some months ago, my beloved Cloud pushed me away from him (yet again). And not too long after that, my lonelyness hit me hard.
I really had not much places to turn to, even if just to quell such a shattering feeling.
My options are lousy, at best, compard to him, And even he is not exactly what could be considered "prince charming"
But to me, he is perfect. To me, he is everything that moves me like no other.
Even when we are appart, I still feel as much in love with him as I did from the start.
Nothing has changed that, not even my desperate attempts to go to someone else and forget about him, to get him out of my system.
I just have ti think of him, -or worse, see him- to have all that warm, caring, tender and unyielding love overflow from me, like there was no way I could contain it.
I have either physically rejected people even in the most intimate situations, or at the very least keep thinking "it's not him"
All I have managed to do is run for the hills and hide, distance myself from him so I don't get my hopes up anymore. So I don't just surrender to this unending love that places me happily at his feet, that opens myself to him like to no other.... this... whatever feeling it is that tells me without a doubt that he is my home, where I am supposed to be... who I am supposed to be with.
He is the one I want to share everything with, my life and future included. The one I'd grow old with... the one who'se children I would happily bear (and bear in mind I don't like children or babies AT ALL)
He is the one I'd do ANYTHING for.
Yes, the selfish, self-preserving me, willing to give everything I am, to share with him.
And to the greates irony I've ever had from life so far.... (and also the most hurtful)
HE IS ALWAYS CHASING SOMEONE ELSE.
Time and again, he has reminded me he is seeking somebody else, that as much as he can love me, as much as he ever has... I am not his one, and he's pretty sure of that.
So, WHY THE HELL DO I STILL LOVE HIM LIKE CRAZY???
WHY CAN'T I TURN SOMEWHERE ELSE??? TO SOMEONE BETTER???
For the life of me, I can't find that answer.
And I feel trapped inside a cage with invisible walls.
And I get to be miserable whenever I remind myself I have no hopes for the love I feel, than to be the pathetic lapdog that he pities.
For pity is all my situation can ispire, at best.
at worst, I can become quite the needy, stupid nuisance.
Because unrequitted love can be just that.
And how do I know it?
And again, not the best one.
Specially since the one that had been constantly demanding of me was someone who has pretty much fucked me over time and again, whenever I have trusted him in the least, always with the warning of having a side to him that is plain "Joker" crazy, obsessed with all the pain it can cause me for his amusement.... and the inability of said person to keep me from harm from that.
And said man says he need me to call him, love him (and yell it to the four winds) seek him out and pretty much devote my love to him (as well as my attention)???
that is batshit crazy.
Of course there is no way I am ever stepping into that territory again... ever, not even as a friend.
And specially not, as long as he is with one of my dearest girl-friends ever.
I find that I am drawn to crazy people, not in any good sense.
Ever since the first time I fell in love, it has been one hard heartbreak after another.
It is as if my heart has some sort of death wish, deep down.
And I truly wonder:
Does it really wish me to die? to go through all that pain until I break beyond any repair?
For I have been through irony induces hysteria and despair, depression and anxiety (all of those real deep) too many times to count.... really too many for my liking.
I am so distrustful of my instincts on love and affection, thst I acgively try to stay away from peole as much as I possibly can. Specially staying well away from relationships.
And now that I have this stupidly great love with no way to get over it... I have all this affection and care bottling up inside me, together with my stupid desire to be cared for and loved.... and the stupid and needless as hell lonelyness.
I AM NOT ALONE.
I have a very loving mother and grandmother. A few good friends that cherish me...
And more men after me than I would like to count.
I have a good job now, and perhaps my future starts to be brighter than ever before, in a realistic sense, ALL ON MY OWN, as I had always prepared myself for.
But now I am hopelessly in love (for real) with someone who seems not to be meant for me.
Like... can't life be good and let me be happy by myself without a need I can not satisfy???
This love and the lonelyness for not having it makes all my archievements feel sort of hollow. half as bright as they should or could feel like... all because I can't share ghem with the man I love, nor have him by my side.
IT SUCKS! ROYALLY!
I only hope I'll find a way to get around it. I am tired of being a walking tragedy made up of ironies.
I can't even die of heartbreak. I just keep on surviving without a cure for this stupid tendency of loving unrequitedly.
I knew from a very young age my chances at love were infinitely slim. Specially when true love was involved.
so, why did I have to fall in love for real, with someone who was not going to be meant for me?
why did I have to give him so many years of my life and everything in them? why do I have to be willing to forgive every bad thing, look past it and be willing to continue as if nothing bad had ever happened? why do I have to love him so much I reject everyone else?
Has it not been enough already?
And all I can rationally hope to archieve now, is to turn my stupid heart into stone. To keeo it from falling in love ever again, since its choices are always wrong.
And also, since any choice I would have available right now is also wrong for me.
I just do not want to keep going like this, beating a heart of love without owner, so to speak.
I do not want to desire or wish for any way to get my hopes up, where I have been proved, time and again, I will not have my love reciprocated...
It makes me so stupidly happy to se him, to plan for every little gift and detail I can give him...
If I was my more rational self, I'd look at me and puke.
I am acting so stupid, and being so happy about it....
I feel pity for myself.
And maybe that is the very same thing most people would feel for my situation.
This is SO WRONG...
truly, SO WRONG...