It is sink or swim, even if it does not feel like it

 It dissapoints me (and also saddens me to some extent) to write here mostly when Iam under some measure of discomfort or distress.

Today it has been another one of those times.

Another day, another rant. But no definite solution.

Another instance on which I feel I am only truly measured by the extent of things I handle and take care of, regardless of who may have caused them, just the way She expects, when She expects it, how She expects it... and all as if I had the obligation to read HER mind.

I am not an extension of her by any means, and neither am I her underling or under her ANY command. She demands and expects blind obedience. As if I did not have a mind of my own (faulty or not).

NO.

She causes her shortcomings, SHE deals with them. I tire of being too god for what she earns me to be towards her. And on top of it she thinks she is qualified to disqualify my every kind action towards others...

NO.

I may not deny thruth in the words of others, that does not compel or bind me in any way to do their bidding just because they waive those words around to blackmail me into their command. Not hers, not anyone's.

It really does not help the cornered position I am in -which greatly reduces my patience-, nor does it steel my resolve strongly enough to try another round of self-sacrifice to attempt to finally break free and never return here.

I have come to doubt myself once again, this time due to a reduced health. It seems all I have really achieved by working myself to the extent I have, is to undermine my health. And now I wonder hoe much more can I take before I seriously (and God forbids it, unreparably) break down myself.

I am waiting, -in the dangerous game of waiting- for the right chance, the richt way, the right moment... I know I am tretching my chances thin (thinner than they already are) by betting on the skillset I have so far collected (which apparently is not unique in any remarkable way, nor overly useful to anyone, along with my personal set of morals and work ethics).

I have bought for myself the idea of not compromising my morals for a workplace's apparent needs or demands. And I have dearly paid the consequences of it, but do not regret my decision for a moment.

Unrepentant as I am, I am still looking for a way out.

I know the chances and ptions for it are narrow, but I have to find the answer, somewhere, somehow.

I recently witnessed someone I know in a similar position, and wondered -in my judgemental view of him, of his responses and of his arguments on his particular situation and the events that led to it, if I was being too righteous on my judgement, if I was clouded because of my personal dislike for him, thinking of him as whiny and placing himself as the victim of outter circumstances, and not of his own actions and their natural consequences...

I know I am, to some degree, leagues away from the kind of person he is. But She judges me as if I was the same or worse, and has done so for a very long time. So long, I believed it for years to be true, and strived to become quite different from it.

I also wondered if this, more individualistic kind of person I learned to be, inspired by the counsel and encouraging words from my Cloud over the years we have been together, is also the right choice of who am I to be.

I do feel righteous on that path, that is for sure, limiting what I chose to give out to people based on the merit I consider them to have earned, rather then the one they rantingly demand of me. It for sure risks future cooperation from those I have limited, but it also sets a precedent tnot to mess with me, or I withdraw my aid irrevocably.

The mercilessness my anger and hatred have instilled in me are also there. And I amd not inclined to abandon it. I may tire of my anger and my hatred, but mercilessness has also been a powerful shield for me, to protect myself from the outside, fro the people and the situations and feelings I have not yet learned to manage properly.

It is all those things I have yet to master the managing of, which have inspired my strong desire to be away from people, from most people at least... and most of the time.

I have noticed I have been looking for support on my way of thinking and on my views, as I have started to cast my own doubts on them. It may all be just a phase of my most recent period of personal growth, and not so much of a symptom of being too isolated for too long, nor of having a mindset that does not allow for objectivity in it at all.

I know I am a warrior,  I know I throw myself at things head on, even stubbornly in a direct way. But I do not regret it.

I can learn to be more amiable abut things, to handle them with a bit more care andperhaps a measure of delicacy. To hol my tongue when it is not needed and where it is not requested.

I need to learn to let go of analyzing the issues of others and to instead dedicate myself to work on my own.

At the very least, I eed to get myself out of this hole, to abandon my prideful attatchment to this cell of a small space I had claimed over a childish notion of property, and to fly away, even if I do so into the sun... but to fly and never return.

Years of experience have taught me (and I hope sufficiently so) that this environment is rotten and is rotting me inside, and that even if I am to perish in the way, at least it would be under my own terms.

LGR2